Welcome to Day 2 of Part 4’s Chapter 3 of Arise and Shine. Today, Anna is bringing forward the second free will offering of blue thread, and she invites you to join her in a time of reflection and prayer.
Even today, God still invites us to bring forward our blue thread, but now for the new Temple.
1 Corinthians 3: 16 (ESV) Do you not know that you are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?
Every time we come with our deep yearning and groanings, we give Him the thread of heaven that lies within us. For He has already placed eternity within our human hearts. He just beckons us to enter the Holy of Holies, to pour out our hearts before Him, so that He might blow His Holy Spirit upon us to reveal His eternal and enduring Word to us. For, it’s then we will lift up such a sweet fragrance of intercession in and through Him, as His Words become our own.
Song of Songs 4:16 (ESV) Awake, O north wind, and come, O south wind! Blow upon my garden, let its spices flow. Let my beloved come to his garden, and eat its choicest fruits.
The first time I brought forward the blue thread within me was several months after losing my Mum to glioblastoma multiforme. I began to experience complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) for the first time. Interestingly it was writing a Biblical Lament that uncovered the traumatic memories of my mother’s last days.
Moving pictures, sounds, and even smells of my mother’s suffering took hold of me, trapping me in the moment. It felt as if someone had strapped me into a frightening roller coaster and wouldn’t let me out, no matter how loudly I screamed. Yet within minutes, the attacks would subside, and my rational and logical brain would return to its senses.
I was left feeling ashamed of and embarrassed about the desperation and suicidal thoughts that had just plagued me. I didn’t feel God’s love or presence through the terrifying flashbacks. As the waves of emotions coursed through my body daily all I could do was religiously declare their truth over myself once the gulfs subsided.
Then, one dark night, I finally pitted the anger, I didn’t realize I had been repressing for months, directly at God. I dared Him to show me that life was worth living in a world where His most loyal servants suffered so incredibly, their bodies so terribly broken, before being taken for good. I finally brought forward my blue thread.
It was then that I opened my Bible to a promise He makes to each and every one of us, His beloved children:
John 6:35–40 (MSG) “Jesus said, ‘I am the Bread of Life. The person who aligns with me hungers no more and thirsts no more, ever. I have told you this explicitly because even though you have seen me in action, you don’t really believe me. Every person the Father gives me eventually comes running to me. And once that person is with me, I hold on and don’t let go. I came down from heaven not to follow my own whim but to accomplish the will of the One who sent me. This, in a nutshell, is that will: that everything handed over to me by the Father be completed—not a single detail missed—and at the wrap-up of time I have everything and everyone put together, upright and whole. This is what my Father wants: that anyone who sees the Son and trusts who he is and what he does and then aligns with him will enter real life, eternal life. My part is to put them on their feet alive and whole at the completion of time.’”
This one Scripture powerfully cut through my most terrifying fears and the lies attached to them. It showed me that God saw exactly where I was. But rather than turning me away in impatience at my unbelief, He drew me compassionately near.
Jesus helped my heart open to His unbelievable promises that He was holding me tight and would not let me go and that both my Mum and I will stand before the Father, upright, whole, and complete. He showed me that cancer, a broken body, death, and despair have no hold on His beloved children, who in both life and death remain safe in His arms.
A few days later, I visited my family doctor and was referred to a psychologist, who gave me the official diagnosis of CPTSD. The attacks only intensified, but unlike before, rather than hide away ashamed, I began to challenge God to reveal Himself more fully.
In my journal, I presented Scriptural promises to Him as daring questions that would drastically change my life. I brought forward blue thread for His weaving:
- If You’re a Healer, then why did You not heal?
- If You’re a Comforter, then why does my heart still ache so very much?
- If You’re my ever-present help in trouble, why do I writhe in helpless anger and messiness on the floor?
- If You’re a Redeemer, why aren’t You redeeming me in this mess?
- If You promise You’re holding me, then why do I feel so very alone in this all?
- If You have a Church, a Body, then where are they? Where are Your arms, where is Your physical presence, a hug, a listening ear, tears streaming for this loss so horrid no words can describe it, or ever make any sense of it?
As I cried out in Spirit and truth, He answered me. Powerfully. In visions of beautiful promise and truth. In the Body of Christ that embraced me, from near and far as they reached out to me in Spirit and truth. And He still is even now. Now, my Savior is peeling back additional layers of childhood trauma for deeper healing.
If you were to ask me to share about my experience of CPTSD now, I would tell you that it is one of the biggest gifts God has given me. For, through this illness, the living Word of God has come alive to me. It is no longer a book I read to “do the right thing”, but a living person I meet with.
Each day, I love to sit with my pen and journal in hand to pray through a new Scripture. I sit with an online lexicon to uncover each Word’s deeper meaning and then lay the verse before the LORD, inviting Him to unveil it in my heart and life. Every verse I pray always ends up speaking into my day, as God sings in love over me and those He is calling me to pray for. Through these Scriptures, He reminds me of past events, of hymns I sung as a little girl and of other verses that He has already written upon my heart.
He also prompts me to do and say things, I would never ever do of my own accord, filling me with a warmth and boldness that is not my own. In our next free will offering of blue thread, I look forward to sharing more about that – about how God compelled me to sing a hymn in Dutch upon a stranger’s doorstep.
My Lord and Savior is making His wisdom known to me in my innermost being, through the power of His Word and Holy Spirit, and oh how He makes my soul sing with joy, as He opens my eyes to see and love from His eternal perspective!
Psalm 51:6 (NASB) Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.
Now, I no longer see the horror of death and decay before me, I see my Mum, healthy, so very beautiful and intensely happy before me. My Savior swallowed up the sounds, smells and pictures of death in His Life before my very eyes. He gifted me with the most incredible visions I will never ever forget. Praise Him!
Oh yes, I still sometimes turn away. I struggle through new winds and waves of CPTSD, but God always helps me to turn back toward to Him, so that He might lift my burdens and write His Word even deeper upon my heart.
One day, as I too walk through those pearly gates, I know that He will unveil Himself completely. In the meantime, I trust Him to keep opening my eyes more and more by the power of His holy weaving.
Father God, overwhelm us with Your love and grace today. Forgive us for the moments we have hid our deepest groanings. Help us to bring it all before You today. Our questions, our doubts, our pain and our deep longing to see Your Word fulfilled in our and our loved ones’ lives.
Thank You that You sent Jesus to carry our every weakness. Thank You that He, like no other, knows the impact of trauma. Thank You that He took the shock, the freezing of our memories, to that Cross, so that today He might break open trauma’s hold to heal and make us whole. Thank You that we are buried with Christ and raised to new life, a new life that is being unveiled daily.
Transform our hearts not just to believe You with our rational sense, but with our whole heart, mind and soul. To experientially know Your truth deep within us. Convict and cleanse us of our sin. Wash away our shame. Wash away the lies and accusations of the enemy. Speak truth into the depths of our heart.
Still our hearts and bodies to seek and hear Your still small Voice inside of us, above all the other noise. Open the eyes of our heart to see Your wholeness, fullness and completion woven into the very fabric of our and our loved ones.
Oh LORD, thank You that You are making us those who dance in abandon before You, just like King David, unafraid and unashamed to declare Your faithfulness aloud before those You have placed in our midst. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
Is there blue thread – eternal Promises – you sense the LORD asking you to bring forward today? Promises that make your heart ache because you cannot see their truth in your life and/or your loved ones’ lives? Can I encourage you to bring them to the LORD in prayer? Can you ask Him to open your eyes to see what He does? Oh may He fill you to overflowing with fresh hope, faith and love, and the warmth and boldness of His Holy Spirit. May He blow on His eternal garden growing in us and raise His sweet incense from within us all. God bless you!