Day 21: Even Here, Even Now

6 July 2021, snapped on my way to the forest to pray. Baby ducklings with their Mama remind me of the God who stretches out His mothering wings also, to gather us unto Himself. For He is the God who never abandons us, who never leaves us alone, just as the Kari Jobe “I am not Alone” song declares.

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones [to death] those [messengers] who are sent to her [by God]! How often I have wanted to gather your children together [around Me], just as a hen gathers her young under her wings, but you were not willing!

Luke 13:34 AMP

[Publishing a day early, so I can take a Sabbath tomorrow and rest]

I bless our Abba Father for blessing us, for permitting His Word that was hidden in our hearts and placed upon our lips as little children to be turned away by our parents. I bless God for enlarging our hearts by the power of Christ’s work in us to lay down our idols to run in the path of His commands, into the Way, Truth and Life. I bless Jesus for fulfilling every Word of God for us, for being our faithfulness in our faithlessness.

I bless Jesus for being obedient unto death, for being whipped, beaten, stripped naked and nailed to a Cross, and abandoned by His very own Father in His greatest hour of need, that by His death and resurrection and the outpouring of His Holy Spirit upon us, we might now know by the power of His Word and Spirit speaking in us that our Emmanuel is for us and not against us.

I bless God for taking what the enemy meant for evil and turning it into life abundant for many. I bless God for pouring out the healing touch of the Holy Spirit upon us, for loving us and forgiving us, who idolized the word of man as God, who turned our faces away from Him.

I bless God for now pouring out that same healing touch of His Holy Spirit through us. I bless God for extending His love and forgiveness through us toward His suffering children, that they, like us, may no longer turn away from Jesus, believing He is someone He is not, but toward Him. I bless God for revealing through us that they, like us, were never ever abandoned by Him and never ever will be.

I bless God to remind us, and others through our testimony to His unfailing love for us, that He is Emmanuel. That He is God with us, our Abba Father, who never ever abandons or forsakes even one of His children, but who always and ever leans toward each one of us in motherly and tender compassion. I bless us, when we are afraid, to trust in the Lord, to pour out our hearts to Him like water, that He might arise to defend us and each of His suffering children that He sets before us, by the power and light of His Word.

The earth beneath you 
Trembling.
All you've ever known
Shaken.
The ground beneath you
Quaking.
All you've ever known
Taken.

You're groping.
Choking.
Falling.
You reach,
But no hand to hold.

You hear those voices:
“Too little.
Too much.
Not enough.
Your punishment alone to carry.”

And so you fall,
Deeper still,
Till deep dark mirey cave
You feel beneath.
And thou its darkness weighs as lead,
It numbs the pain so deep,
The shame too cruel.
"Safe here" you breathe at last.

"Object of dread,
I am.
Forgotten, broken vessel,
Is who I am."
Terror thickens air,
Lying tongues to pour.
Lead weighted more.

Strength does fail.
Body waste.
Tears no longer flow.
A loss so deep,
No words to find.
And still no single hand to hold.

Your breath you feel
Anxious grip.
All that leaves your trembling lips
"LORD, My God."
Silence piercing.
Weeping, tearing heart.

But then,
You hear it.
Tender, loving Voice.
Still, sweet sound
Arise.

"My beloved.
My pearl.
My precious daughter dear.
The work of My own beating heart,
Come now.
Take this, My outstretched hand.

"The ground may tremble,
Earth may shake
And all you've ever known,
Ripped from beneath your feet.
But I, your loving Father, do rest beneath,
Even here, even now.

"My hand upon you.
My breath within you.
My countless thoughts of you
So very precious still.
Even now, I hem you in
Before, behind
Even here, no lying tongue
Does from My own
True gentle mouth depart.

"Be still, and know
YOUR one true God I AM.
Never have I ever,
Never will I ever,
Leave you all forsaken lone.
For each and every tremble, shake
Does purposeth My crop
Too bountiful
For any human hand
To seed, thresh, harvest true.

"Hold fast, My girl,
To sword of truth,
To promises birthing here, even now,
To heaven's coming
Here on earth.
For, to each and every
Prisoner of Hope eternal strong
Who turns My way
Restoration double I do declare.

"Hold fast, my child,
Not to lying tongues
But tender loving truth.
Hemming in before, behind
Grace so precious, pure.
Roaring, rushing waters
Pour and cover still.
For I, Your God
I AM.
Even here, even now."

I listened to and sung this song over and over and over again, as I not only grieved the earthly loss of my Mum, but also struggled through wave upon wave of trauma triggers, seeing, hearing, smelling and feeling the effects of glioblastoma multiforme, a deadly brain cancer, upon my mother’s body. The poem above was penned during that time, as God began to heal me not only from the trauma of caring for my dying Mum on the other side of the world, when I was separated from my husband and oldest daughter, but also from childhood trauma.

He began lifting the enemy’s accusations of condemnation I had agreed to as a little girl one by one by the power of His Word. Accusations I had agreed to as I watched someone I loved suffer at the hands of those I loved and trusted most. Ironically, my parents, just like me, turned Jesus away at that time. Through the pain and anguish of their little adopted son’s trauma-induced rebellion and inability to receive their love, they sadly chose to trust in the word and teaching of man above the Living Word of God speaking to them through their little daughter.

That is, until more than twenty years later God opened my mother’s heart to see and embrace her son, my little brother, in the love and mercy of God, in His seeing and embracing of her through her own trauma and suffering of glioblastoma multiforme, a cancer that impacted her prefrontal cortex in the same way that trauma does. God gave her what her heart had yearned for all those years: the honor of joining Jesus in the depths of His suffering with and for her beloved son.

When I am afraid, I will trust in You.

Psalms 56:3 HCSB

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