Recently, as I found my eyes resting on a compliment given to someone else, rather than pressing down the jealousy and insecurity I felt, I brought it before the LORD in prayer. I asked Him to bring me a Word to cleanse me of my sin. He gave me John 15:2: “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”
I then went to read up on the process of pruning. What caught my attention was the branches that were cut at the base of a tree: the so-called “suckers” that if left to grow would suck out necessary nutrients and weaken the wood. These “suckers” needed to be cut back to the base, not once but three times to form a healthy callus.
I thought about how words of affirmation are one of my main love languages and how if left to my own devices, I would define my worth based on the words of man. So, every time someone is showered in words of affirmation by man and I am not, is in fact God’s gift to me. It’s His Way of cutting off those sucker branches and strengthening the base of the tree. It’s His Way of ensuring the nutrients aren’t spent on branches that would suck the life out of me.
Each time that sin of jealousy rises and insecurity flares in me, is God’s invitation to come to Him that He may direct my heart to draw its worth from Him. To be reminded by Him that I am seen, heard, known, loved and chosen and even liked by Him, even when man doesn’t see me, hear me, know me, love me, choose me or like me (and trust me when I say I know that I am not always so easy to listen to, get to know, love, choose and like because let’s face it: I’m human).
It’s Christ’s invitation to lean into His strong trunk that is even now holding me up and rooting me to the place of His choosing. It’s Him reminding me that He wove me in my mother’s womb for a hope and a purpose, so that when it’s time for me to branch out, I will no longer be seeking the praise of man, but lifting up my branches in praise and awe of my Maker alone. Why? Because every branch cut from me, will have lifted away my fear of man, to root me so very firmly in His living and dynamic Word to me, in relationship with Him: my trust, my hope and my life Himself.
So, it’s not about me “making myself stop being jealous” or about pushing away those thoughts of insecurity that rise. It’s about placing that branch in the hands of Jesus, my Good Gardener, and allowing Him to take it away – the branch feeding on human affirmation that is bearing no fruit – so that I may lean into and grow stronger in Him: my base, my stronghold, my life, my comfort and my very breath.
And the Word I then found Jesus giving me to root myself in, rather than the word of man was:
Colossians 3:14 ESV And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Perfect here means according to HELPS Word study:
Cognate: 5047 teleiótēs (a feminine noun) – completion (consummation), in its cumulative sense, i.e. built on what has to precede and also supports the stage that must come next. See 5056 (telos).
And bound together in harmony means according to HELPS Word Studies:
4886 sýndesmos (from 4862 /sýn, “closely identity with” and 1210 /déō, “to bind”) – properly, a bond (close union); a close (inner) identity which produces close harmony between members joined closely together (WP).[Note the “close, firm bond conveyed by syn (together,” WS, 242).]
This showed me that the root of my sin of jealousy in this case was the sense that God has been passing me over. He’s continually drawn me into periods of hiddenness, and continually had me tear things down and start over from the ground up. And I realize now that I have felt like He has purposely withheld success from me.
But what He’s showing me here is that each of these tearing down’s have been His cutting away of sucker branches. And that this has been His very necessary discipline. It’s what had to come first, so that I would end up crying out to my God. So, in the silence of those I most looked up to, He would become the One I looked up to most. So, I would find He had all along been inclining His ear to my unspoken yearnings to be seen, known and loved by Him.
He just had to strip away the noise to overshadow me in His light, so I could recognize His face, His heartbeat beating inside of my chest and His Voice singing inside and over me, all along.
Yes: “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11, NIV).
What I can now see, is that if God had not repeatedly caused me to arise in His Word and to depart, where it wasn’t welcomed, I would have kept my light hidden and covered over to belong and be “acceptable” to others. I would have avoided feeling the pain of past losses and betrayals all over again: pain God intended to uncover and bring His healing comfort to.
I would have revelled in outer success, but inwardly been rotting away, as all the nutrients would have gone into pleasing man and silencing God’s precious Word in me. Each parting and closing down (of ministries and blogs) and starting afresh has been His doing: His purifying of my heart, His rooting of me in His love and Word alone. Oh my heart! So, no! I have not been passed over: I have been loved on. I have been tenderly parented in love. For, just look what I now do when that jealousy and insecurity born of unhealed wounds arises. I come to my Heavenly Father for His Word of affirmation, comfort and healing.
I now know to turn to my Papa, to come boldly before the throne of grace to confess my sin freely and to ask Him to give me a Word to root me deeper in Him. So, yes: my Papa has withheld earthly success from me: not because He was passing me over, but because I am His.
He knew it would destroy the soul of His little girl, who has needed to grow in the knowledge and confidence of His love for her: a love that is constant, abiding and enduring.
Jesus always knew the wounds of my past. He knew how my Prodigal wandering began when I turned man into my god: when I began to believe man’s word to be His. Now, through all the cutting away He has taught me to discern His Voice from my accuser’s and to deep down know He never ever left me alone all those years: it was always me turning toward and clinging to my fellow wounded humans, who needed God’s love and mercy too, and away from His perfect love for us all.
God has been giving me the gift of growing into Jesus and being firmly rooted in His love above all else. He is uncovering my wounds to wash, cleanse and bind them in His Living Word, to breathe His life and comfort into me and through me into His Body.
So, when jealousy and/or insecurity rises in me, I now know to speak to my soul:
“Sink into the trunk of Jesus, Anna. Let His healing leaves cover you, so that you might see what He does: how all your brokenness has already been bound together in His wholeness. So that He might remind You how He sees you: as a chosen, beloved and appointed member of His Body. You have not been set aside by Jesus. You have been set apart unto Him and His glorious purposes.
Now dance with abandon in Jesus, Anna. Let His love and grace lead your every step. Let His kindness and compassion flood over you and open your dove’s eyes wide to see what He does: that He has already bound every vital part together into the whole in perfect harmony.
Let His Word continue to wash away the dross and dust covering over His beauty in you, as He affirms who you and those before you truly are. Let His mercy pour out like healing rain and rush over you like a gushing river, covering and claiming every part of you. Breathe Him in that You may dance in step with the Spirit of truth and grace. Jesus is carrying you into your destiny, step by step by step.”
Dance in Abandon
Of our soul
He calls us
And turning backs:
These Gospel feet
That call us:
Our childlike heart
Speaks peace, be still
The Father hears
His Son awaking.
No fear of man
Can snuff out
Bla - zing e - ternally.
In our Abba's arms
Our every step
A dwelling place
In His arms
His Spirit breath
Declare with me
I AM not lost
But found in Christ.
Yes, I dance here
The lover of my soul
He, calls me forth.
Wild and free
The Great I AM
I see Him now
In you and me.
Father God, I bow my knees before You, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of Your glory You may grant us all to be strengthened with power through Your Spirit in our inner being, so that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith—that we, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that we may be filled with all Your fullness.
Now to You who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to You be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV)