A Dutch countryside, hidden in the mist (photo taken 1 September 2020).
Jesus wept.
John 11:35 KJV
Today, I bless us to open our eyes and hearts to receive Christ’s birthing in our hearts and midst. I bless us to weep with Jesus, and breathe in the comfort and consolation of the Holy Spirit, through the labor pain of birthing the new. I bless us to join Christ in His suffering, to be set apart unto Him alone. I bless us to lay down our old life that has already been crucified with Christ, to find our new life awaking in resurrection power. I bless us in our waiting upon God’s appointed timing, to wake up, pick up our Cross and walk by divine persuasion into the joy set before us. I bless us to sing aloud of God’s goodness and mercy, to worship Him with our whole heart, set free by the blood of the Lamb.
How can this Be love When my heart Breaks at every Memory
Of our hearts Entwined Now torn apart To bow the knee In love?
How can this be Love to yield My heart, to feel My body, Your body Labor in pain
To be made Whole in You For a restoration And redemption But in Your setting
Apart, I hear Your steadfast love Remind me: all is Yours, Your master- Peace in the making.
Oh Papa, I give You my pain My tears flowing My heart aching My desire
To be made One in You
Thank You For the Cross For carrying me
Into Your House In love's unity For bowing me Before the throne To You alone.
To sup with You In Spirit and truth To weep In co-labor With You.
To wake up Pick up my Cross And walk into The joy Set before me:
You - Emmanuel Our Prince of Peace Who has seated us Together in the Heavenly places.
To taste and see You have already Made all things Beautiful in Your Appointed timing.
A painting my Mum made in her final weeks, before going to be with Jesus
What a gift this month of rest has been to my heart and soul. I pray you too will be encouraged to heed that still small Voice, when God calls you to come away with Him also. He knows what we need, even before we realize that’s what we need.
During the month of May, I read the book Attached to God by Krispin Mayfield, written by a former missionary kid and trained and experienced Christian psychologist. It’s been so healing (and continues to be), as I am coming to better understand the remnants of anxiety and shame present in my and my loved ones’ attachment to God and to people.
It has given me so much compassion, for myself, for the creators, for the teachers and the followers of anxiety and shame-based theology. This man-made theology is not rooted in Christ but in traumatic, unhealed past experiences. Equipped with this fresh insight, I am inviting God to restore a healthy attachment to Him and through this, to others in my life also. I believe that as this is restored, I will also come to see, with my own eyes, more of the fullness of redemption that is mine (and yours too) in Christ Jesus.
As a little girl, I remember having that healthy attachment. I didn’t cling to others or to God, desperately afraid that if I didn’t He would turn His back on me and forsake me. I didn’t feel terrible condemnation and shame, as if I was inherently evil. I deep down knew myself and others to be fearfully and wonderfully made and full of God’s goodness. I felt safe, confident and secure in God’s and in my parents’ unconditional love for me. I loved to pray and worship my God and I sensed His desire to speak to me, moment by moment, and to shower me in His delight.
God has restored so much of that sweet and healthy bond between us, but I can also see His desire to take me deeper in His love. I see it in the triggers of trauma that have had me reeling again recently, and in the false theology rearing its head in my thought life once again. And I see it in the healthy boundaries God has once again laid down to give me a safe environment to heal and grow in my trust and my confidence in Him, where those around me are affirming and encouraging me to connect heart-to-heart.
Which is why this will be my last post on Shalom Aleh for the foreseeable future. God showed me in this month of rest, that while I love to share what He is teaching me with you here, I struggle so much with the silence and lack of connection in this space. I prayed into that in this month away, wondering if I just needed to perservere and learn to rest in God’s affirmation of His Word to me and His prompting to share my heart with you here.
But He showed me that my desire for true heart-to-heart connection is His desire for me too and that that perserverance in Him and His Word to me will grow out of that also. Right now, He wants me sharing my heart in real life places, where that connection has already been built up and the other party desires to engage with me face to face, and grow with me in the LORD, so that I can be built up in Him.
Amazingly, that connection in Christ is present where I wasn’t yet persuaded (by faith to) see it before – I just needed God’s gentle push to step out into it. As He took away my usual outlets for sharing – including this space – He encouraged me to speak of what He’s been teaching me to those He has set before me, who have shown such a hunger and thirst to connect, grow and learn with me.
I know and trust God has blessed those of you reading behind the scenes and will continue to in my departure from posting here. But I also believe God also has real life connection and heart-to-heart engagement that He longs to walk us all into, more and more – not just here online, but in our physical places around the world also. I am starting to follow Him into that and it is so blessing my heart, as I again find Him present, where I had begun once again to deem Him absent to me.
Here is a poem that a friend’s sharing with me prompted (incidentally her sharing came about from me sharing a portion of the above mentioned book).
Make You Known to All A poem by Anna Louise Smit
Where were you Then When I couldn't See When all I saw Was darkness.
When all I saw Was fear And shame And evil me Where were you Then?
It's then You show me Opening my Eyes to see You there.
Not just Behind and Beside me, but Before me.
Palms stretched Outward Stooping low Stepping there Toward me.
Eyes soft and Beckoning With each step I take You show me.
More And more Grace Unfolding
A healthy Attachment Restoring.
Flooded by Light In the darkness Glowing
I taste And see Good
Not evil Nor wanting Nor missing The mark But perfected In Love.
Hidden in my Human heart You uncover The new Awaiting.
The secret Heart of gold Love Truth And grace Unveiling.
Present and near To each and all No, not ever aloof Or far from us.
You are The mighty God The Great I AM Here with all.
Emmanuel The only God Love remaining Present to us.
For You are ever Before all things And in You All things Hold together.
Thank You For making Us all ready To be shown.
To trust Not in ourself Or man But in You alone.
Our true Best Friend Unveiling Your Best for each one of us.
Your will Your purposes Your desires Ever more Our own Becoming.
One piece At a time All knees Shall bow.
All tongues Confess You alone As LORD Of all.
Our eyes You are Opening wide To see You're here With us.
Not far away Or aloof To all the pain We've felt Or the tears We've shed.
For right there In our weeping Your golden Sheaves You're Bequeathing.
A harvest ripe For the Gathering.
Each breaking Each setting apart Joining us.
The broken parts Together One In You alone.
Made complete And whole Ready
To be shown To know You In each other And make You
Known to all.
Oh how God loves to to multiply His blessings. And that is my prayer as I leave this site in the air: may God take what is here, break it as bread and send it out to feed hungry and thirsty souls, who like me, need to be reminded that God is for us, not against us, just as the song I have included in this post reminds us too. May He make us ready to be shown, to know Him and make Him known to all. God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and give you peace.
Shalom Aleh 